"Are you happy?"

A question from a literature text I was studying 3 to 4 years ago, which I found myself asking lately. Many things happened over the course of the last few years. The question that was always asked as a joke now seem like a really difficult question to answer. 

Am I?

Am I fine with how things are now? Or do I want more? Am I envious of how others can openly declare their love on Valentine's and we're here looking for a place to go which wouldn't be seen by people we know?

Truth be told, no I'm not, I'm not happy with having a hidden relationship and yes, I am envious of those that can show their love for their significant other publicly. Scrolling through instagram photos is a heartbreaking thing to do these few days, seeing friends having day out to extravagant places and receiving gifts from their other half. That's not the part that gets me sad. Honestly, I'm not one that goes for expensive gifts and romantic restaurants, I will be happy with dinner at a hawker centre. What had me feeling sorry for myself is the fact that they can show off their love and happiness but I cant.

Sometimes I find myself doubting his motive for doing this to us. Is it really as he said, he doesn't want to limit my choices (in other words so as to not scare off other guys) or is it really just because he doesn't want to get judge by the people who know about our separation? 

It is not that I don't trust him. But if the reason is truly because of what he claimed, then why is it that we can show affection outside at places that we are sure that our friends won't be around? And the only place that we cannot act like we are a couple is at places that we might be spotted by our friends.

It is difficult to believe the reason he gave when the actions speaks otherwise.

I sometimes wonder, am i being fair to myself?