People say I'm short tempered, easily angered, unreasonable. But the fact is, I'm just hurt. I wished it was easier to tell people that, easier to explain to people why I get angry so easily. But if I do, I will end up crying or letting them know I'm crying every time I'm hurt instead of putting on the mask of anger.
After this, I think I might never open up about this to anyone ever again.
I opened up to you, decided to not use that mask of anger when I'm with you, even though I sometimes still fall into the habit of doing so. Around you, I show my emotions, I cry when I'm upset. And I get upset and hurt really easily. Because I am bloody emotional. I wish I'm not that emotional but this is who I am and I wish I can control it but I cant. And you blame me for crying. The closest person I have in my life blaming me for being emotional, for something I cant control, for being real.
That's why the mask of anger is my best friend. It's so much easier to have lesser friends than having the world think you're weak and needy and immature and childish. Anger gives me control, more than useless sobbing and sniffing does. I don't cry around people easily. Not even my family. And I feel comfortable to cry around you. I trust you. I've tried so hard to be strong for so long. Hiding my tears, replacing hurt with nonchalance, with anger. And I thought I found someone that I don't need to hide from anymore. But turns out that you just thought I was childish for crying (because apparently crying cant solve anything). I am not a person that likes being alone, so crying alone and having to keep it to myself is hard for me. Because every time I do, I feel fucking lonely. You think I like to cry? No. I hate it. I like to be in control. And anger gives me this control over tears.
Mask One: Anger can be a mask to cover up hurt. To some people, it’s less threatening to show anger than to show that they are hurt. Hurt means they are weak, ineffective, and out of control.
"She's not an easy girl to love, but she makes it so worth it if you try."
But you used a blog post to test me. A blog post. To test my feeling for you. That's how much you trust me.
